But there are details that make that seem slightly less crazy…

I just locked myself in my car and cried because my dog wouldn’t poop. But there are details that make that seem slightly less crazy.

Detail 1. Azlan does not like to poop on his leash. He likes to poop alone, with no one watching him. Which is why he normally does this at the dog park, which we did not go to today because…

Detail 2. I have a bacterial infection in my stomach. It’s cause by H. pylori and it’s something that happens to people, apparently. So I am in a lot of pain and I am on a lot of drugs. Like 8 drugs. All the drugs. Too many drugs to be a rational person.

o_helicobacter-pylori
This is the bacterial bastard (from  www.helico.com/images/o_heliobacter-pylori.png)

 

So Azlan was barking because he needed to poop, we walked around for 30 minutes (each step agony for me), but he wouldn’t go. So I threw him back in the house and went to go cry alone in my car because I could not deal with his shit (pun intended).

Eventually, I tied him to a long rope so he could pretend to have a little privacy and the fucker did his business. But I’m still a little peeved.

Which is why it sucks to be in a new state. I’m not sure who in California would have been willing to help me get my dog to shit at 9pm on a Tuesday, but at least I would have had options. There is no one here that I feel comfortable enough with to call at night and have a drug-fueled sob with. Sad days.

ANYWAY back to the stomach infection, which is just more proof that someone is passively trying to kill me. I have had many strange and painful illnesses in my life, none of them life-threatening, but all of them long and unlikely. Like viral meningitis, ovarian cysts, and other less exciting things.

In addition to the stomach infection, my neck is messed up, which is giving me a persistent headache despite being on some pretty high dose pain medicine. The doctor thinks I slept on my neck funny, but I disagree.

Personally, I think my arch enemy from the future (which I will have when I take over the world. Trumps election has solidified this goal) sent nanobots back in time to infect me with H. pylori and then slowly start sawing away at my spinal cord, explaining how I managed to hurt my neck bad enough to cause a headache while also getting a bacterial infection in my god damn stomach. Soon, it will be completely severed, turning me until the worlds first zombie (because I’m not just going to die, that would be too simple). I’ll have to start eating human brains. Hiding the murders and morgue raids I will need to commit to satisfy my undead hunger will slow down my plans for world domination by at least a year. It’s a dastardly plan, though less effective since my arch enemy has morals and seems to feel a bit queasy about killing a young, innocent (so far at least) girl. They are so weak (maybe).

Whether I’m right or the doctor is, I think we can all agree that both situations are equally likely.

I’m going to return to laying around and moaning now. Cheers.

P.S. I will likely comment on the upsetting election results from last week when my stomach and head stop hurting. Which should be in a little over 4 years, haha. Gotta laugh to keep from crying. But, no, I will comment on that when my body only hurts from the rising anxiety and fear instead of unfriendly nanobots.

 

 

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