I meant to write this post two days ago, but I didn’t want to wait until next year. I’d forget by then.
So happy late mother’s day to all the brave, selfless women who foolishly choose to be mothers. I am not a huge fan of children and I don’t plan on having kids because it looks scary. I don’t mind babysitting, and I really love the kids I’ve spent time with, but motherhood looks painfully difficult. I get to leave, mothers do not. Children are monsters that you have to treat nicely, which parents seem to be able to do. I admire that.
My friend recently had a baby who I am going to call Bob (that is not his real name). Anyway, Bob recently started to crawl, which means he is now far more capable of foolishly causing his demise. All the fluffy baby toys in the world are not nearly as interesting as knives, scissors, or attempting to throw yourself off of tall objects. Motor control may be a step forward in development, but it sure makes it more difficult to keep the little darling alive. Watching Bob try to forcefully launch himself away from the person holding him makes me wonder how the human race has survived this long. You would think evolution would have allowed us to develop some basic survival skills, but watching Bob has proved that is not true.
And after their infant stage they learn how to talk. Talking is cute and sweet until they use it to yell insults and lie. Azlan will never be able to tell me he hates me because Azlan is a dog and he will never learn how to talk. Dogs:1 Children:0. Although if he did it would be alright because an actual talking dog would definitely make me rich. And Azlan would never say he hates me. Never. Then they become teenagers, and that’s at least a little awful. Hormones and high school drive everyone a little crazy and parents get the brunt of the rage and angst. And just at the point they may start to become a functioning human being, they leave. OR stay forever and live in their parent’s basement.
So people, call your mom. Call your dad too. Not just on Mother’s day. Raising kids is hard and your parents deserve a medal of honor for putting up with you all these years. If everyone was as concerned with self-preservation as I am, your mom never would have agreed to have you. And mankind would be extinct.