Today my brain broke.

Ok, it wasn’t today. It was a few days ago. I feel if I’m going to start this journey with you I should be honest. Sorry for beginning with a lie.

Anyway, a few days ago, my brain broke. After almost a year of my most crippling bout of depression and anxiety, something in me just snapped, but in a good way (for once). It was a horrible week, ironically, and I came closer to suicide than I ever had before. Let’s just say I was already in a bad place, I got my feelings hurt and my brain turned it into a situation worthy of drastic measures.

I was hurt and angry and my brain broke from years of pressure. I decided it was just time not to give a shit. It is too exhausting to pretend I have my shit together, too hard to pretend to be happy, and, frankly, it’s not worth. A lot of people have mental health issues, and I’m one of them. It’s nothing to be ashamed of and I will not punish myself for it any longer.

And the result was acceptance of myself, of how I have to live to get through the day, of all the decisions I have made, good and bad. I’m still alive and have managed to fumble my way around with relative success. And that makes me bad ass. Really, anyone getting through this ‘life’ business is bad ass. Give yourself a hand.

So, here I am. I have depression and anxiety. I am very rarely proud of myself and there are days that I don’t want to live. There are going to be people that can’t handle it and have to leave my life. It is something I will live with forever, and it sucks. But I’m here, and I’m throwing it down like a gauntlet. Come at me, bro.

Song of the day: Down with the Sickness – Richard Cheese

One thought on “Today my brain broke.

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